tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post7551474699538202568..comments2013-06-05T14:58:30.342-07:00Comments on Adventures in Narrative Journalismland: Did You Lose a Bet, or Did You Just Get in a Fight with a Pair of Skis?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-70199692444521913552013-04-10T14:50:47.514-07:002013-04-10T14:50:47.514-07:00Jon,
This is horrific. I thought it was actually ...Jon,<br /><br />This is horrific. I thought it was actually pretty humorous though how calm and subdued you were, given how concerned everyone was around you. <br /><br />You say that there was nothing to learn from it really, and that's probably why it dragged on a bit for me. Right now, it feels a bit like a summary and analysis of an event, so in the revision, try for a more symbolic ending so it doesn't feel preachy at the end.Emily Guzmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03397984109318486164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-4674069252328852252013-04-10T14:46:13.288-07:002013-04-10T14:46:13.288-07:00I've always wondered what types of injuries ca...I've always wondered what types of injuries call for people to ride on those ski things. I think your opening with dialogue was very strong—starting out of order always pulls me into a piece. I agree with what other commenters are saying, that it would benefit from having more of that strong dialogue. But I think your telling of the story chronologically was very well done. I think more description of the injury itself and maybe some heightened tension right before the fall would make the incident seem more visceral. I didn't feel the pain you were feeling during the event. If the numbness that you seemed to have, not realizing how hurt you were, playing that up more could benefit the piece as well. Hannah Dalyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11529895698511253097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-57237188532417201562013-04-10T14:24:39.204-07:002013-04-10T14:24:39.204-07:00What happened to Luke?! I think developing him (if...What happened to Luke?! I think developing him (if he made it out alive) and your stepfather is something you could explore as you edit. Learning more about them can even add depth to your “I” character as well. Your details overall were great. Concise, but enough to set the scene. I felt I was able to visualize the fall well. I think you could even flesh out this scene more and describe more of the surrounding trees or fenced-off area. One of my favorite parts was the focus on them cutting your pant leg off. I thought that allowed a further understanding of your character, while also reinforcing the idea that you really weren’t feeling pain. I also enjoyed the beginning with the quote. I found it to be a nice introduction to the story. Great job overall.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682133113272367148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-9063791772388934552013-04-10T12:45:45.922-07:002013-04-10T12:45:45.922-07:00What I found most interesting was that your typica...What I found most interesting was that your typically drab monotone prevailed throughout the whole piece--if that sounded like an insult, please don't take it as one. Just consider yourself as classy as dry British cologne. Though cliche, I enjoyed lines like "the minds of teenage boys are infallible" and "it is amazing what the absence of pain can allow one to do." Sure they have been played out many times before, but I felt like you had a particular manner of putting them in a blunt fashion. <br /><br />That bluntness doesn't mean you can't make them a little more sharp, however. I think a combination of this sober voice in the present with the serene idiocy of someone who is slowly bleeding out on a hill would be hilarious--more or less I want to hear the voice of you at the time (as difficult to recall as that may be). Your introduced characters of the step-father and Luke could deal with a bit more development as well. <br /><br />Anywho, comment power--engage!Espo Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08650297284581144462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-22732190891034285882013-04-10T12:10:05.829-07:002013-04-10T12:10:05.829-07:00Great job! I really enjoyed this piece for a mult...Great job! I really enjoyed this piece for a multitude of reasons. The biggest reason was that the piece really clipped along when I read it. You provided yourself with moments for asides (I really got a kick out of: “The minds of teenage boys are infallible”) that were quick and didn’t detract from the story. Additionally, another reason why you are able to tell this story effectively is because of your concise use of language. “As I fell, I noticed that my skis had separated themselves from my feet, which meant a solid tumble was ahead.” This sentence does a good job of illustrating the action in a way that doesn’t run-on, but you still do it in a way that allows for you to provide your own, distinct voice, when calmly speaking about the skis separating from your feet. For your next draft, I’d like to see more set-up at the beginning of the story, during the story, or both. I’d like to hear more about what you were like as a freshman, your friendship with Luke Dickow, and your relationship with your stepfather, as all of these things can help add depth to the story. These might help you make something more out of the story at the end, as well. Finally, hearing some of the dialogue between you and Luke after you fell might be interesting. Brian Craighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09724633455247311674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-86492944661793015252013-04-10T11:46:31.852-07:002013-04-10T11:46:31.852-07:00Thanks for the comments! Yeah, it's mostly unf...Thanks for the comments! Yeah, it's mostly unfinished. I was hoping to work it down to 800 words, and so when I noticed I was at 1100, I would try and edit it down a bit if I could. The unanswered questions will hopefully be worked in during the actual editing process. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-61167369942409856942013-04-10T11:20:32.020-07:002013-04-10T11:20:32.020-07:00I’m a fan of blood and guts, so I liked the action...I’m a fan of blood and guts, so I liked the action of your story. My favorite part is that the first thing you noticed was the absence of your season pass. It’s incredible what moments of stress and pain can do to a person’s thought process—you didn’t even seem fazed by the blood coming from your leg, yet the pass being sliced in two struck you as odd.<br /><br />You incorporated enough detail so that I could picture the fall and the subsequent actions leading to you finally getting help, but I thought your tone seemed a bit formal at times. I think if you add more dialogue between you and Luke or between you and the ski patrol guy it would loosen the formality and make the reader feel more involved in the action of the story. <br /><br />Upon reading the ending, I was left with a few questions. Where did Luke go? Why did he not return with help? Was your friendship different after this incident? Have you fallen again since the accident? If so, were you more fearful? <br /><br />I think if you ended with a brief mentioning of how you may or may not be more cautious when you ski would tie things up nicely. <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00790505716228767947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-85582085782717709952013-04-09T19:26:51.385-07:002013-04-09T19:26:51.385-07:00Jon,
I really enjoyed the story line of your essa...Jon,<br /><br />I really enjoyed the story line of your essay. There was a lot of action and it was easy to follow. I think my favorite part was how you described your fall: “there was that oddly serene lucidity that occurs as you can only stare at the quickly approaching ground.” I thought that was great. I also liked the little detail about how the first thing you noticed post-fall was that you lost your ski pass up hill.<br /><br />I like that you opened with dialogue, and I think you should try to incorporate more throughout the essay. For instance, instead of stating “Luke then declared that he was going to get ski patrol...” you could replace that with the actual words he spoke rather than a summary. I’m also interested in what your encounter with the ski patrol was like. I think rather than summarize the experience, it would be effective to replace it with the actual conversation you had.<br /><br />After Luke left to find the ski patrol, you’re alone, examining the damage of your fall. This section could be an opportunity to delve in to what exactly was going through your mind. You talk about “a wonder what the absence of pain will do” but besides not being in pain, how were you feeling? Were you scared? As I mentioned before, I like that there is a lot of action throughout the piece. However, I think that you can make the action more compelling by adding more physical and descriptive details. For instance, when you limped to the ski patrol officer -- how far did you drag yourself? Were you exhausted when you got there? Did your body feel heavy? I think additional physical descriptions will help to strengthen the essay and add a little more excitement. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03518700240665674405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-60440301814394587172013-04-08T13:47:20.806-07:002013-04-08T13:47:20.806-07:00The intended publication for this would be the Tim...The intended publication for this would be the Times "Lives" section. It's a little long, but I am planning on hashing it down for the final draft.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.com