tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post2696257722356967232..comments2013-06-05T14:58:30.342-07:00Comments on Adventures in Narrative Journalismland: Profile Edit #2Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7650626424932613942.post-48372398594700111542013-05-16T08:59:45.482-07:002013-05-16T08:59:45.482-07:00Jon,
Like in the previous draft, I think that a d...Jon,<br /><br />Like in the previous draft, I think that a descriptive lede suits the profile. I really love the line: “It’s indistinguishable from the other lots with the exception of their sign, a peculiar shade of blue that glares against the brilliant gold of Payday Loans.” In the second paragraph, you talk about a CD release party, a touring band and other posters on the wall in the shop and I’m wondering if you have specific names that you could share as far as the name of the CD and the band. Although the way you have it is providing us with detail, I think providing the actual names on the posters would make it more meaningful information.<br /><br />I’m not sure that I like the substantial use of first person. I think that in some cases it adds to the piece, like in the paragraph when you talk about your own vinyl collection (The paragraph begins with “I should have figured..”). I don’t think it’s necessary to include all of the questions that you asked him. I think that paraphrasing the information you’ve found out, a long with his quotes, will bring enough clarity to readers.<br /><br />Because you open with description, it might be worth considering moving the other description paragraph (Beginning with: “The store itself exudes the classic...”). You could switch around the order and introduce who the record store appeals to at the beginning. This would also provide you with another way to integrate information without quoting the questions you asked.<br /><br />Tough luck about no one showing up to the store on Mother’s day. How do you think you’ll incorporate more perspectives in to the piece?<br /><br />Overall, I think that you chose a really great topic for a profile and have a lot of good material to work with. I think before the final draft is due, you just need to focus on how you want to structure the piece as far as first person and order, and work on finding a few more people to talk to. Good work Jon!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03518700240665674405noreply@blogger.com